Lactic Acid, Alchemy and Ungodliness

Karl-Egermann-Haus, my dormitory building, is located on a side of a small moutain. To get to the building, there is an approximately two hundred meters long uphill, which starts quite shallow at beginning and gets steeper and steeper. Also, I ride bicycle to get around Marburg usually, and I always try to climb up the hill when I get back home. More often than not, I get off the bike midway and walk up the rest.

Coldness claws at my throat and acid burns my muscles. And somehow, I feel a sense of disappointment. Not because I was able to climb it all the way without a break, but because, back in Seoul, I used to be able to climb such hills easily. (Living in a flatland for 4 and a half years effectively atrophied my legs to nil.)  Why am I feeling pain already? Have I grown this weak?

“Pain is weakness leaving your body.” It’s a quote from U.S. Army poster, and for some reason it lodged itself deep into my mind. Because it is quite true, in many senses. After an extensive output, your muscles begin to produce lactic acid which burns the tissues, sending painful signals to alert your that they are beginning to hit a limit. But you keep going on, and soon enough pains numb down. Later, your muscles have become used to this higher output and they hold off lactic acid for longer… Similar with agonies. Only when you are given impetus to change, which is pain, your soul will remain in weakness. Without this pain, you will never realize.

I believe that this pain comes from ungodliness. In my own world, I believe that all things uniformly strive toward godliness. It is the only way all could possibly be explained. Ultimately pure and complex. Evolution toward zero hour. Pain only exists to prove this. Why would we have developed the sense of pain, if its only function were robbing happiness? I think that pain exists as a seed of happiness. Constantly, you strive to be rid of pain, chasing happiness. You redouble your efforts and you arm yourself with greatness. But pain is still there, and it serves as an impetus for you to achieve happiness. It will never end. When you are happy, you will soon find yourself in pain. But one thing that will come out of this process is that you will be closer to godliness.

Some of you reading this might know about me ranting about manliness and its impossible standards often, and how I use God as a reasoning. Well, to tell you the truth, it’s a recursive in-joke. They say that God is a he, and it is godliness which I see as the purpose of all things, therefore manliness is what all should aspire to be… is pretty much it. I just didn’t want to explain all this each time I wanted to sound ridiculous.

Oh, well.

Moths, Forest Fire, and What I Tasted of Desire

Around November, in Marburg, there are many, many moths. The night falls quick and the rain never ceases, so it is natural for them to be flurishing here. At first, it was a little bit unpleasant, but as I grew used to seeing so many of them, they actually felt like a perfect decoration for a such subtle and unlively city. Every once in a while, I find myself looking at hundreds of these insects sitting on a concrete wall, trying to guess what they are waiting for.

And last night, as I was eating my late night dinner, a thought crossed me as I was looking at many moths on the window. The air was getting colder and colder, and one day, if they just sit there and do nothing, they’ll eventually freeze to death. Why are they just sitting there motionlessly? Why aren’t they making any mating calls, flying around to find food, creeping into houses and throwing themselves to fire? What are they waiting for?

I really haven’t learned anything significant, but I feel that despair is built-in defence system of humanity, not life. Because you feel despair, you try to overcome it. When you try to overcome it, you won’t be waiting until there is nothing to wait for. To stop waiting for until there is nothing to wait for, you must burn like a forest fire.

I feel drunk.